Dumb Mom on Stage

by Dumb Mom

I am performing in a live show.

Go ahead and scream, I’ll wait.

I screamed when I found out too.

Because me?  In person, on a stage, speaking in front of other humans without public barfing or passing out cold is unlikely.

Highly unlikely.

I’m still trying to come up with plausible excuses to get out of humiliating myself in front of 50?  100?  Please-God-don’t-let-there-be-a-lot-of-people-there A room full of people.

When I was talked into auditioning for the show, I really didn’t give much thought to the possibility that I would actually be picked so I didn’t bother to come up with a thanks-but-no speech.

I mean, I figured my social awkwardness would be enough to put people off completely.

Strangely, my special brand of awkward has the tendency to actually come off as likeable and endearing.  And strangely entertaining?

Go figure.

Apparently, I’m just awkward enough that I feel uncomfortable doing pretty much anything in front of pretty much everyone, but not awkward enough that I’m creepy and undesirable.  So while I’m on stage sweating through multiple layers of clothing and a double pair of Spanx, you all are probably going to be having a fabulous time.

Um, great?

So anyway, I auditioned and, as I recall, the feedback was less than glowing.

A lot of, oh-we-had-so-many-great-people-audition and we-really-just-have-to-go-with-who-will-be-the-best-fit-for-the-show type stuff which sounded to me an awful lot like a classic it’s-not-you-it’s-me-I-really-hope-we-can-still-be-friends breakup.

That’s cool.

I can live with NOT ever having my break-a-leg moment.

Totally.

Only a week or so later I got an email.

An unexpected email offering me a spot in the performance.

What the?

But, why?  I was so awkward.  And sweaty.  And, um, awkward.

And I’m WAY funnier online.

I tried to think of a way to say that I only auditioned for the part because I really assumed that I was gonna suck badly and they wouldn’t want me.

But, even typing that all out here right now feels lame, so no way was I gonna say it.

So I tried to come up with a really plausible reason to decline.

But, short of licking a shopping cart and hoping to come down with a wicked case of meningitis, I couldn’t come up with a thing.

And then, in a brief moment of totally undeserved confidence I actually thought that I wanted to tell my story!

Like, really, really wanted to go up on stage, with a group of other actually talented women, and share my bad mommy moment.

So I said yes.

And then ran immediately to my bathroom and tossed my baked ziti unceremoniously into the toilet.

Show business is really not for me, but I hope you come out to the show anyway, because I think it’s going to be amazing.

And, in case you’re one of those sympathetic barfers who can’t stand to be around someone who’s tossing their cookies without also tossing yours, rest assure that I plan to be on a strict diet of chicken broth leading up to the event so I look my thinnest, just in case I do hurl on stage, hopefully it won’t be too horrible for any of us.

Dumb Mom has been wowing the Internet since 2008 when she launched her pretty-much-useless guide for parents, parenting BY dummies. As it turns out her parenting advice is not generally useful for more than a good laugh, but sometimes that’s exactly what you need! Dumb Mom spends her offline time (which is embarrassingly limited) running a photography business, working as a social media director for a local print publication, writing freelance articles about stuff she loves, wrangling Dudes, petting her Baby Dog Daughter, and eating cupcakes in her garage to escape the crazy. You can Tweet with her online as @dumbparent, but don’t expect her to be serious. It’s virtually impossible.

Photo credit: PhotographybyAlexander.com